Health

I’m Polyamorous, I’m Married, and I’m Trying to Get Pregnant

I'm Polyamorous, I'm Married, and I'm Trying to Get Pregnant

I am Polyamorous, I am Married, and I am Making an attempt to Get Pregnant

  • My husband and I attempted to get pregnant and just lately had a miscarriage.
  • It was an advanced however stunning time, perhaps extra of each as a result of we’re polyamorous.
  • This Is What It is Like Making an attempt To Get Pregnant With My Husband Whereas Relationship Different Folks.

I whipped up fancy mezcal, gooey Brie, and our vape pen — treats that each one appeared off limits days earlier than. As a lot as I like these indulgences, nonetheless, that night time they evoked decidedly blended feelings; my husband and I had been having a miscarriage social gathering.

Over the previous yr, as Cole and I attempted to get pregnant, I typically imagined how thrilled I’d be when these two parallel check strains turned blue. As an alternative, once they lastly appeared only a week earlier than the social gathering, I felt a way of dread and ambivalence. I had referred to as my physician’s workplace after I was experiencing extreme menstrual ache that took my breath away. When the nurse advised I take a being pregnant check, I laughed in confusion. After the house check got here again optimistic, she instructed me to go to the ER.

After I acquired to the hospital, I requested the physician on obligation, “If I am pregnant, why am I in a lot ache and why is there a lot blood?”

Cole and I spent 4 hours holding fingers within the ready room, watching “Parks and Recreation” whereas I cramped up and waited for lab outcomes to find out if the being pregnant was viable. . The outcomes had been inconclusive, so the official prognosis was principally “wait and see”.

What adopted was per week of being pregnant purgatory: debilitating cramps, numerous blood checks, and uncertainty about each side of my life.

I feared for the well being of the fetus and puzzled what a painful being pregnant would imply for my enterprise and my high quality of life. I discovered myself nearly hoping for a miscarriage, then scolding myself for the thought, going by way of self-compassion and self-recrimination.

So as to add to the complexity of the state of affairs, Cole and I had been contemplating one other facet of our relationship and the way it intersected with our want to turn out to be mother and father. Since we began relationship six years prior, we had caught to an open relationship sample, which we now describe as polyamorous.

Navigating polyamory whereas my husband and I had been making an attempt to get pregnant

Cole and I share a lifelong dedication to one another; we additionally embrace the potential for love exterior of our marriage. We puzzled what impression our precarious being pregnant standing would have on this facet of our lives. Though we closed our relationship at numerous occasions to concentrate on one another or our careers, we determined to maintain our relationship open – with a number of ensures and honesty with the opposite companions – whereas making an attempt to fall pregnant.

We had been each grateful that we determined to proceed relationship different individuals throughout this time, particularly for the reason that being pregnant was taking so lengthy. I teased that as a intercourse educator I am excellent at not getting pregnant, however truly getting pregnant turned out to be a lot tougher.

Lelia Gowland and her husband Cole.

Lelia Gowland and her husband Cole.

Courtesy of Lélia Gowland



After months of making an attempt with no outcomes, I made a decision to be proactive and began diligently coming into my interval information into an app, taking my temperature every day, and peeing on an ovulation strip. every morning.

Way back to I can bear in mind, my intervals had include a way of aid. Now my intervals had been the enemy – a sign that regardless of my meticulous report protecting, I had failed but once more. Each month that I wasn’t pregnant I felt like a failure, like I simply wanted to place in additional vitality and energy. The gifted in me was sure that I might get pregnant by the sheer drive of my will and my sense of group.

The beginnings of a brand new relationship in uncertainty

Whereas Cole and I sat in limbo about this much-desired being pregnant, I had additionally been in a brand new relationship for a number of weeks. In July, I had met a brand new associate within the foyer of a complicated conference middle. We had each attended the convention welcome occasion and agreed that there have been not sufficient appetizers to compensate for the excessive quantity of low cost and tangy wine.

Tipy, I described the challenges of being petite and took off my sneakers to display it. It was an limitless battle, I instructed her, discovering heels excessive sufficient to get near the attention degree of different convention attendees, however not so tall that they might have me strolling like a child giraffe. This made him chuckle.

For the remainder of the lecture, my eyes adopted him across the room. Whereas chatting on the bar on the rowdy social gathering final night time, we mentioned a well-known pancake restaurant that we each wished to strive the following day and deliberate to fulfill within the foyer at 10am.

The subsequent morning, as we ate breakfast and walked round city collectively, I talked in regards to the heartbreak of making an attempt to get pregnant and shared that I used to be each queer and polyamorous. Having seen my marriage ceremony ring, he assumed I used to be flirtatious and pleasant, nothing extra. Now he teased me that I ought to add a light-weight up function to my ring, one that may spark dialog and will open the door to let potential suitors know I used to be poly.

As we waited for our Lyft on the airport, I kissed him for the primary time on the sidewalk of a quiet avenue.

After flying house in several instructions, he despatched me copies of his favourite books. We texted every day about every thing from our favourite Seven Lethal Sins and examples of poisonous masculinity in non-fiction to our shared ardour for Google Docs.

Weeks later, Cole and I had been suspended in uncertainty – had been we increasing our household, or was I having a miscarriage, and had been our being pregnant plans once more? on break ? I navigated by way of simultaneous emotions of hope, guilt, and apprehension, amplified by the vitality of my new long-distance relationship.

Whether or not I used to be going by way of a viable being pregnant or a miscarriage, every path felt like a possible betrayal of one in every of my identities. If I used to be pregnant, I feared that my poly and queer identities would turn out to be invisible or inaccessible to me, subsumed by my mom’s id. If I had a miscarriage, I frightened in regards to the impression it might have on our journey to turning into mother and father.

My pal Krista Rae helped regular the ship saying, “Both approach, you are going to embrace your reality. In the event you’re pregnant, your reality proper now could be to develop your loved ones with Cole. If not, your reality is to discover an thrilling new relationship.”

I used to be caught in limbo, however having an abundance of assist helped me develop stronger

Mid-August at house in New Orleans, the ready recreation matched the climate: uncomfortably intense, swampy and gradual. My efforts to work had been in useless. I’d have moments of focus earlier than an explosion of ache shot by way of me, a lingering reminder of my unsure state. I canceled non-emergency conferences and thru these I could not skip with a white fist.

My buddies supported me and distracted me throughout breaks in my schedule. I texted my new associate.

If each cramp was a reminder that one thing was severely mistaken with my being pregnant, each time my cellphone vibrated was an affirmation of one thing hopeful, delivering a surge of serotonin. Nonetheless, I puzzled in regards to the ethics of the state of affairs. You may’t precisely Google, “When ought to I inform my model new associate that I am pregnant with my husband’s little one however probably having a miscarriage?”

Lelia Gowland and her husband Cole.

Lelia Gowland and her husband Cole.

Courtesy of Lélia Gowland



I believed he knew I used to be making an attempt to get pregnant, and my medical doctors stated we might in all probability know extra by the tip of the week. I made a decision to inform him as soon as I knew one thing concrete. In the meantime, Cole held room for the complete spectrum of my feelings. We laughed on the very bizarre dynamic of relationship whereas in all probability having a miscarriage. When the dissonance acquired too intense for me, he assured me that it doesn’t matter what the end result of this being pregnant, we had been in it collectively.

Our conversations got here with a playfulness and sincerity that echoed our marriage ceremony vows: “Come hell or flood, raptor assault or zombie apocalypse, we’re right here to win it, come what could. ” What may need felt deeply lonely to me as a substitute felt related, each to Cole and to my wider group.

Lastly, the outcomes – and studying to dwell my reality

The outcomes got here in late Friday night, per week after that first optimistic check. I texted my family members inviting them to Cole’s social gathering and my miscarriage the next night time. I made it clear that we weren’t going to cry in a circle discussing my being pregnant loss. As an alternative, we had been going to drink, smoke and go dancing. We’d rejoice our friendships and the enjoyment that may nonetheless exist, even in troublesome occasions.

What began in our lounge with my favourite pop music was a full-fledged dance social gathering after I walked to Twelve Mile Restrict, the dive bar that Cole owns and runs. Our pal Ann was a DJ; it was a moist, irreverent and joyful affair. I walked by way of my heartbreak dancing and singing to a soundtrack just like “Soiled Dancing” and “The Massive Chill.”

That night time, the individuals who cherished us, knew how desperately we wished to deliver a baby into our lives, and supported our poly identities surrounded by Cole and me. Just a few days later, I shared the information of the miscarriage with my new associate, who was extraordinarily compassionate, even sending me a young handwritten be aware of assist.

For many individuals, a miscarriage comes with a soundtrack that sounds much less like “The Massive Chill” and extra like “It is my fault.” Although we strive exhausting to imagine it when our medical doctors say we did nothing mistaken, that inside voice lingers, questioning if we prompted it. It’s an expertise that we regularly hold secret, which might be very isolating for an individual or a pair. I sought the other – a cheeky social gathering surrounded by buddies to beat any disgrace, search assist and acknowledge grief.

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